Annihilation. (or, how to fall apart untill nothing is left)


The car is completely fixed and checked;

The bolt (or whatever it is) that connects the wheel to the axis was renewed on both wheels (just in case). The wiring for the ABS appeared to be damaged and they didn't close the transmission thing well, after changing the transmission oil, so it leaked oil. But all that is solved as well.

As far as we can tell, we have a well-functioning car now.


Xander, a friend from Eric who looks after our mail in the Netherlands, has helped us get the paperwork for the driver's licence appostilled and sent by DHL, so it should arrive here on Tuesday. From then on we can start the process of doing the theory exam, get a blood test (yes, that is a requirement) and an eye test and hand over the paper work.


Landwise: JF has talked to Rafael (the grandpa of the previous owner) with the following proposal: We don't pay the second half of the landprice anymore and the land still becomes ours.

This because the contract we made is invalid: There should have been water access and electricity, which are both not there. So the land is virtually unsellable for them now. They can't repay the money we already paid (it is spent), so they can't get their land back.

Instead of leaving it as no-mans' land, we propose to finish the deal, pay the costs for the council and the lawyer and in return leave the other half unpaid.

Rafael has not given a yes or no to this yet, but he can see that the situation has to be resolved somehow. And we are not going to put more money in, unless on these terms.


Money wise: we have come up with an idea for a bussiness! It's viability needs to be researched still, but it could be a very good concept. We have contacted our friends (the people from the first airbnb that became friends along the way) in Quito to see if they want to work on it with us and they seem enthusiastic.

So more on this subject when we know more. We will meet with our amigo's in May, during our travelling. Hopefully it will appear to be viable!


Car, driver's licence, income and land were the four main issues we had to work on. Other then that, there was not much to do in these last weeks.

How, then, is it possible that time seems to race past? This month is almost ending and I don't really know where it went.

We have mainly been busy with ourselves. Our relationship with ourselves and each other. With living, while 'waiting' for things to change. With feeling stagnated and held back. With moments of great insights and 'aha' moments. And with precious moments of connection between the 5 of us.

We have tried to come up with projects (like walking in the Loja forest) to make life seem meaningfull, but they are not going smoothly. So life is not in a hurry to give us the illusion of meaning.


I have had a difficult week, this last week. 

Our 'steady' day to meet with Nikki and JF is on Saturdays, in Yangana town, for a coffee. 

Nikki and I have deep conversations on these mornings. They are usually about the fact that we seem to be falling apart. Everything we thought we were, everything we thought was true, everything we would like to hold on to; it all falls away. Every week we seem to dissolve further.

Nothing remains.

It is a bit like dying while being alive. 

It is triggered by this time in human development in general. I see it everywhere around me.

It is triggered by our own stages in life, nearing 50.

It is triggered by the fact that we are both waiting for things to happen and we have no control whatsoever to make it go faster: We are waiting for the driver's licence part so we can go travelling, they are waiting for their land to be sold in France, so they have the money to go to France and attend the wedding they are supposed to attend. Then come back with a renewed visa and travel through Ecuador.


The issue of 'meaning' comes up a lot in times like these.

I used to have trust that this 'falling apart thing'  would have a reason, a meaning and that I will end up in a better place after this. But that trust is gone too.

I can only rely on what I know.

And what I know is this; I AM falling apart. I don't know what/where it will lead to. It feels very uncomfortable. There is no control over anything. Sometimes it scares me, but most of the times I accept it. I can see the basic marrow of what I am at times. And it is very 'bare'. All illusions have to go. And I know that there is no other way.


We saw a movie last week that really portrayed the feeling I am in -sometimes- very well. It is not a nice movie and it leaves you feeling as if you are fluid and nothing is solid anymore. It makes you feel like everything is useless. So I wouldn't recommend it at all if you want to feel good.

They also put some horror elements in there, that were not necessery to bring the point across. The movie is called 'annihilation' (promising title eh).


We are not depressed. No need to worry about us. Just sharing what is happening, because I think it is reassuring to know you are not alone (if you are experiencing these things as well). I know that Nikki -for instance- derives comfort from knowing we suffer together. 

If anyone is interested in all the things I have lost, all the things that have fallen away from me (thoughts, convictions, ways of being, character traits, childhood pains, idea's about what one should do or not do), I can share them in another blog. Otherwise I leave it at this.

I am also interested in what you have lost, what has died in you. So if you want to share, please do.

Good luck everyone!


Write a comment

Comments: 10
  • #1

    Nikki (Monday, 26 March 2018 02:09)

    Hi, I want to share because your text moved me.

    This week I realized that I am not in control, I always thought I was in control of my path, my life, my choices, my body. This week has confirmed that I am actually not in control of anything and was never in control of anything.
    This pisses me off.
    Those were only 4 little words but behind those words is a great deal of pissed off energy, more than what those words can express.
    I am pissed off with myself, life, god, the universe, the annunakis, etc. anything/body will do.
    I look back over 50 years of life and I see a lot of hubris, ego, and unnecessary attitude issues. And it makes me sad. I know I am being hard on myself at the moment, and I know my pissed-off-idness wont last. But thats how I feel.
    How do I integrate the fact that I don’t like who I am/was. How do I live with the fact that I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know what I want, where to go, or what to do.
    I’m just going to have to trust and this is the part that I really don’t like. Trust.
    I have cornered myself into having to trust that part of me that I always shunned. That part of me that always made the major decisions in my life but that I never acknowledged. I always pushed it away as if that part was an untouchable, beneath me or unworthy of me.
    And now lo and behold that is all I really am.

  • #2

    Nikki (Monday, 26 March 2018 04:36)

    Me again, I just read this and I thought you might like it...

    The process of Fermentation
    For example suppose Greg wants to develop the ability to heal people by magic. While above (spiritual dimensions), he has gained many insights into the secrets of illness and health and a conviction that he can help people by putting those insights into practice. Like many people who are attracted to healing work, he is motivated at the higher levels of his being by passionate inquisitiveness into the nature of life and compassion for human suffering. At the lower levels of his being, he is driven by a will to power. At this lower level, sick people attract him because they are helpless. When he fantasizes about healing by magic, he imagines how grateful they will feel, how they will admire him and listen to him and do whatever he tells them to do. In its raw form, the will to power is an obstacle to healing anyone. We’ve all encountered doctors who disempower patients with their bossiness and arrogance. This attitude is even more unworkable if you wish to heal by magic. Alchemical interventions are often so subtle, so slight that the patient might not even know they’ve happened. Should the sick person recover, the alchemist doesn’t know how much—if any—credit to take. The more magical the intervention, the less it can be traced to the magician. Yet if Greg merely represses his will to power, his altruistic motives will lack the volitional oomph necessary to get through medical school or its alchemical equivalent. The energy of his power trip needs to be transmuted rather than repressed, taught to serve rather than undermine his higher intention. So what will occur when Greg is sent down for fermentation? He will likely experience in a very profound and discouraging way his powerlessness over illness—perhaps by getting sick himself or by having to stand by helplessly while a loved one suffers. The puerile and self-aggrandizing fantasy of being a magical healer will become a source of shame to him, and gradually it will die off. He may come to doubt that such magic is possible for anyone and will certainly doubt that it is possible for him. It will seem to him that his aspiration has died. He will probably stop working toward it and hate being reminded that he ever even considered it. This gloomy state of affairs might persist for months or years. But his aspiration has not in fact died. It’s fermenting. Someday it will rise to the surface again, and when it does, Greg will find it changed very much for the better. He will find that he feels most powerful when helping sick people themselves to feel powerful. No longer needing to claim the credit for his magic, he will be able to discover very subtle yet effective methods of healing. Only after he has attained this will he understand why he had to undergo such a miserable period of fermentation.

    MacCoun, Catherine. On Becoming an Alchemist: A Guide for the Modern Magician (pp. 208-209). Shambhala. Kindle Edition.

  • #3

    Tanja (Monday, 26 March 2018 05:38)

    So in other words, I (and others with me) might be fermenting? I might be 'rotting' somewhere for a certain time, untill the rotting is done and a new way of being comes out of it?
    It is entirely possible!

    I see what she means with this. We'll have to wait and see....!

  • #4

    Majanka (Wednesday, 28 March 2018 16:01)

    I don't believe that I'm in control of what happens to me, but I am in control in how I deal with it. At least that's what I believe. How do you see that Nikki?
    Another thing you wrote makes me wonder: why are you sad about what you've learned? I don't know you, nor the conversations you two had with each other. I feel like I'm flying into a conversation that has been going on for the last few months. So if I'm completely off please tell me. But maybe all you have to do right now is not trust, but just be?
    And Tanja I really am curious about all the things you have lost, really interested in all the things that have fallen away from you. I already wrote to you in person: you can't be falling without moving ;). I can understand that falling can be very scary.
    About me: I'm not sure yet if something is dying in me; but at the moment I feel tired with fighting.

  • #5

    Nikki (Thursday, 29 March 2018 03:54)

    Hello Majanka, I do not feel as if I am in control of the emotions that are solicited in me. An experience will ignite certain emotions in me and these emotions are attached to unconscious programs in me. I have been slowly letting go of these programs and this is my life process. I have found a lot of freedom in letting go of undigested emotions/programs. I doubt that I will ever have control over my life, but now I'm seeing that its not control that I want or need its more trusting in the process of life so that I can just be (as you said), right now I can't just be because I don't trust (myself, the world, god, the universe, life,etc). Another way of saying could be is that I don't feel safe so I try to control ruling out the possibility of just being (safe in the sense that there is no need to fight to maintain my space). Since childhood I have been on the offensive, staking out my space as a woman, a foreigner, as an employee, as an employer, as a parent, as a wife, etc. Its as if our world forces us to affirm and reaffirm our roles all the time. Just being requires that I let go of all these labels. I'm sad because its like I've created a massive castle with lots of different halls and bedrooms, each has its special decor etc. I've painstakingly built the castle with my bare hands and everything in it I created. And now I'm sitting in the bulldozer and knocking the whole building down. I'm sad because I'm destroying my creation. I'll get over the sadness because I know that it was necessary for me to build the castle so that I could tear it down one day.
    So what are you tired of fighting for/against Majanka?

  • #6

    Majanka (Thursday, 29 March 2018 10:05)

    Ah..I really recognize that. November 2016, after a session with Tanja, I realized my life was going to change. After that weekend there was light and energy for changing my working life, but there was also a lot of darkness. For a few months there were many times I just wanted to stop with everything, I didn't want to experience anymore. Many times I felt being a victim of my own emotions. As if they were leading my actions and reactions towards others and myself. It's a weird thought: being a victim of my own emotions, because they are a part of me, or aren't they? I also felt as being a victim of my own thoughts, just as weird as being a victim of my own emotions. Because if my emotions and thoughts are somethings that can victimize me, than what am I? After a few months I decided to stand up in stead of putting myself down. If I thought I was a bad mom, do something about it, and partly accept it. If I lost control of my emotions and for example yelled at my kids, I apologized and told them how I should have reacted. Instead of going to sleep with the thought I had failed them and myself again, I reflected on what happened and tried to think of strategies to do it 'better' next time.
    In my working life I chose to work with strong people. For me it's difficult to say, but I'm quite intelligent and analytic. I chose people who were even more intelligent and analytic, so I could go on with putting myself down. It was a struggle for me to accept myself for what I can do and it was a struggle for me to say to myself and others what my qualities are. There is always someone who is better at it. I made the mistake not to share but to deal with it myself. That lead me to the same darkness, but this time it took me for smaller periods, I could calm down the same day and overthink and overfeel (not really a word I know) what happened and see how I partly made it happen and how I could change it. And Tanja was there for me to help me see, and in other ways my family was there to help me. I gained a few insights. Sometimes it helps me to see my own emotions and choose not to led them lead me, but letting them to help me see what is needed to improve the situation. More often I get stuck in my old patterns. So it's an ongoing process.
    So maybe I'm tired of fighting against myself. And I am tired of convincing others that they should believe what I believe. And it's easy for me to get really annoyed that they don't see how it is or should be. It is really easy for me to scream that they should listen. But screaming to people who don't want to hear what you are saying is quite useless.
    Since my life is changing I feel deep down it's gonna be ok, on some level I know it's gonna be ok, I don't know how. I'm without work right now, for the first time since forever. And now and then scary thoughts take over, because I don't know what is going to happen (as if I ever knew...). A part of me wants to maintain what is and fight for that, and another part of me knows that it will be better if I stop fighting to hold on.
    I wish you luck and joy by knocking down the castle, and I wish myself the same thing. Maybe castles are just to big for one person ;).

  • #7

    Tanja (Thursday, 29 March 2018 19:37)

    Majanka, I will write about a few things that fell away. Here. And not in a blog. Because here I can say it to 'someone' (you) who said she was interested AND who opened up about her own demolition process.
    For me there is no joy during the falling away, but there is joy in sharing the process, recognizing it in others and afterwards in seeing what I gained by losing something.
    (this as a respons to wishing Nikki joy in the knocking down of the castle)

    Last week I found out, with Nikki's help, that I make holograms. Holograms are quite a SF word, but they picture really well what is meant: A construction of your mind, in images that you send out around you.
    In a way I think this is how humans 'create their world'.
    I think there is 'a matrix' or 'raster' or 'blueprint' of how we all agree to see reality and on top of this, is our own construct/matrix/blueprint. Which makes us experience a totally different reality at the same time/place as someone else.
    I, apparently, and totally unaware of this, am quite strong in sending out my own construct/hologram (in comparison to others). I 'place' this construct over people and situations automatically. And a lot of people are effected; also unaware of this.

    When I was a kid I would create fantasy worlds and some kids wanted to play with me because of this. I would give them a place and a role in this fantasy world and they would feel safe in this space.
    Later in life I would do this in my work; make a hologram where people could find a safe space. During pregnancy, birth and after, I would slowly alter this hologram so I could be completely 'me' in this construct as well, by the end of the care. This, so I could say goodbye in an honest way.
    I think most people do this in one way or the other. And I don't think it is 'wrong'. But Being unaware of it and therefore being unable to make a conscious choice about it, doesn't feel right to me.
    I make strong images with my mind and send them out 'strongly'. I must have done this on the courses I gave as well. So you probably know what I mean.
    Some people have no need for feeling safe or taking on my reality. I now understand that those were the people that I found 'important' to have contact with, but it would take me 'effort'. Because when people take on my hologram, it goes automatically. There is an automatic and deep connection instantly.
    In a way; the people that don't want my construct, don't 'need' anything from me. And this is hard for me. Apparently.
    It attacks my need to feel needed. My reason for existance.
    So now that I have seen what I do, the illusion falls away.
    And it also feels like my reason for existance is falling away (due to many other things that fell away, like my work, my illusions that I needed to protect women, change the world, etc)
    I want to be conscious of when I do this and make conscious choices about it.

    Next step was to realize that I do this (very much!!!!) in my relationship with Eric and the kids. Nikki asked me how I do this with the kids for instance. It is hard to look at something that you are completely unaware of. So I had to 'feel' what I do with the kids, because my mind sure as hell has no idea what is going on.
    I realized that all 4 kids have taken steps away from my hologram. They very clearly are making their own hologram. I remember when Mar was making these steps; I didn't like it. It didn't feel nice. But also, it was ok. And felt healthy, as if there was more space to breathe for myself and her. So I felt pain and gain in the same moment.
    However, all 4 kids grew up in how Eric had fitted into my hologram. And he has also been taking steps 'out'. The first step was in Australia, when he told me he didn't want me to interfere anymore between him and the kids. I would have the illusion that I needed to protect the kids against some of his ideas about raising kids. I realized that the kids have chosen him as a father and will have to deal with his ideas themselves. That by protecting them, I was actually saying that I didn't trust them to be up to this.

    Eric is still taking steps out of how he 'fitted in' and become himself more. It is an ungoing process.
    There is a reason he wanted to fit in my hologram. It brought him something. And he has to give himself whatever it brought him, before he can completely disengage.
    So a lot of illusions between us have fallen away as well.
    Slowly we are getting to the bare base of HOW we want to be together.

    These are the most recent examples and are still 'in process' at the moment.
    And I really want to let all these illusions go. I am very motivated. That helps. A little.

  • #8

    Nikki (Thursday, 29 March 2018 23:31)

    I have tears in my eyes as I read your posts. So much openness, vulnerability, and desires to evolve is so rare in my world. I'm bathing myself in this energy and it encourages me to keep going and not to hesitate in what I know I am being.

  • #9

    Annie (Tuesday, 17 April 2018 14:44)

    Hello Tanja, I haven't read the comments so far. But I can relate to what you are writing about the falling apart thing. It feels horrible and often lonely as well. I really don't like it. I feel like I don't have control over it (and if you remember me a bit, that's still difficult for me). The last year wasn't an easy year. We made some though decision and I hoped it would be calmer now than it is. There are good days on which I think that things are getting better from then on but then the next day is even worse than before. It feels a bit like waves. The bad feeling comes and goes. The not knowing is not the hardest part for me at the moment. The most difficult for me at the moment is the feeling of utter loneliness and that I can't see a way of organizing me not feeling lonely in this.
    It feels weird to share this but I felt the need to do so.

  • #10

    Tanja (Thursday, 19 April 2018 04:37)

    Hi Annie, it does feel lonely, this 'falling apart'. And there is no one that can tell you how to do this in the best or most elegant way. It is a destructive process. I have not found an 'elegant' or graceful way to do this. It is messy.
    Of course, I don't know which hard decisions had to be made and what 'not knowing' you are talking about, exactly. If you want to write about this to me privately (my email still works), don't hesitate. Maybe it helps in some small way to know that we are all lonely somehow and al suffering seperately from each other, but also all going through the same, in our own unique way.
    A hug for your courage to share this on a blog.