The strange things is; the travelling ahead of us scares me.
Not in the sense of 'excitement' kind of scared, but just plain old fear.
I already felt this since we decided to do this (the travelling), but for a long time I could ignore it. The travelling was still far away, many bridges to built, many roads to take, before we would get there.
But now...we are almost there. Just a few more days and we go.
For someone who has done major emigrations -to countries that are more then 10 hour flight travel- three times! Who moved house 10 times in her life, just within the Netherlands and did lots of 'going on holiday' as well, this is weird.
So we moved to Ecuador; no big deal. But travelling for a few months within Ecuador is somehow very scary?!
It has nothing to do with the increased odds of catching diseases like malaria, yellow fever or dengue (which we have chosen NOT to 'protect' ourselves against by the way, vaccination/medication wise). Also nothing to do with more chance of snake or spider bites, or dying from anything else en route.
So why then?
The answer is quite simple: expectations.
I have high 'hopes' for this travel. It feels a bit like 'now or never' or 'it MUST work out'.
Here they are:
- We 'have to' find a way to earn our keep somewhere soon. We have a plan, but will it work? We have an appointment with Ecuadorian friends in Quito to talk about this plan. Say they are enthusiastic and see a good opportunity and it all goes wrong??
This point has the potential to become a big problem for not just us but also for others... I already feel guilty, while nothing has happened yet.
The initial happyness over the simple-ness of this plan, when it just 'popped' up in my head one day, is gone. I mostly feel fear.
- We 'have to' use this travelling to get some momentum going in the connection between the 5 of us. We have decided no internet, no computers, during the travelling. And maybe even a long time after. What if we are only bored and fighting during this time? What if we are too late and the kids are not interested in connection anymore? What if we shouldn't have taken them to this country and we will find out during this time, because we will be on top of each other? What if we made a huge mistake and it will now be pushed right in our faces. No place to hide...
- We 'have to' find the land that resonates, so that we can finaly start doing what we have been craving to do (but have somehow always managed to block from coming into our lives), namely: built our house together. Even the kids ( not Lem so much, but the other two) are looking forward to this. Maybe in this time the kids will find out what THEY want to do with their lives. Which is still an unresolved issue. And when there is no goal, there is usually no motivation to make a step in whatever direction. Which explanes how they have been feeling all these months.
In the Netherlands it was easy for them; they were kept occupied. Compulsory education or other activities kept them moving. What is there for them here?
The fact that they want to built our house, is at least 'a goal'. But what if this goal ends in the dust. What will that do for them? What will it do for us? Will we decide to go back to the Netherlands? And do what, there?
- Our age plays a role in this as well. It feels like, being almost 50 yrs old, the time to play around with only question marks should end sometime soon. It feels like we have a 'heavier' responsibility to 'get it right' then when we were younger.
With the ' we have to', I put pressure on something that is supposed to be fun, a holiday. The points are not so much 'hopes' anymore, but pressured expectations.
Hope feels much lighter, much less attached then what I feel about these points.
I suppose that guilt comes back in the first 3 expectations. I am afraid I will become 'guilty'. And that we will come to nothing.
Guilt is a very low frequency ( you're better off feeling angry, then feeling guilty), very destructive and enormously useless emotion. I am aware of that. I am aware that letting all of this go, would be so much better for me.
The travelling: It is a gamble that we have decided to take. Based on a feeling. In that moment I had hope, even faith, that it would bring us what we wanted. But since my 'falling apart', faith left me. And even hope seems silly and useless.
Now, I will have to find some solice in the fact that it will be an experience. An experience I chose with my full free will and completely sound of mind, with my accomplice; Eric. And we will live this experience, come what may.
What we have been living and experiencing here, in Yangana, we know now. And we decided, based on that knowing, it would not be the best experience, or in our best interest to stay here. This is not where we want to be, we now know.
I am trying to find a new 'pathway' in my brain to help me face this fear. The old way I had, doesn't work anymore. Faith and hope seem like illusions to me now. But they were great friends of mine for years. I had so much faith and so much hope. And, looking back, life was so much easier with them. I TOTALLY understand why people have a religion or some kind of belief system.
It makes fear so much easier to handle.
I thought there would be nothing underneath these powerful feelings. It would be 'empty'.
But I found there is always 'me'. The being , in a body, that lives under the name of Tanja. And when the body and name are gone, there will still be this being. This awareness.
And this awareness chose this experience. When we chose to go travelling, it was based on what came out of meditation. My awareness said yes to this idea. And eventhough my brain wants some form of reassurement I can not give it, I will still jump into the unknown. Fear and all.