Where to go from here?


What would you say if we told you we are going to leave Ecuador?

Some people said ‘I never thought you were going to stay there anyway. It had its purpose probably for the time you were there…’

Others said (or thought) ‘you are crazy anyway, so it is not a surprise.’

And; ‘I never understood your reasoning’s anyway and I still don’t.’

So it seems we were the only ones who thought we were going to be here for years.

What would you reply when we would say that there is not ONE country in the world that ‘draws’ us and that we don’t know where to go from here?
Would you be surprised if we would say that we don’t know what our next step should be and that we can only look as far as the next day?


Well, we are surprised to have ended up in this position.


Last week, after the outcome of the courtcase, I got the surprising message out of meditation that I should appeal.
I could not see on basis of what I should appeal and how I could possibly hope to win an appeal. A dear colleague, who also represented me on the day of the courtcase - Rebekka- agreed to be my discussion partner to try and figure this out.

She is a totally different person from me and sometimes we really don’t understand each other whatsoever. But this was exactly what I needed for bouncing off on. In her opinion there was no good basis for an appeal; especially if I wanted to do it for the ‘good case’ and not for myself. Because the only thing I could get out of it was getting reduction of the sentence. And what good would that do for the case of autonomy?
But I, having a ‘go in appeal’ out of meditation, thought there must be a way, I just didn’t see it yet.

It helped me to get a bit more insight about the ‘go in appeal’ the day after. I could see how it would make the circle round in myself. How it would decently end what it was I had been doing in the Netherlands over the past 5 years. Otherwise it felt it ended ‘open’, not finished in ‘me’.

We, Rebekka and I, discussed for days, spread over different time-zones. Waking up with a voicemessage from her, she waking up with a voicemessage from me.
It was very intense and emotional for me and sometimes I was very angry and frustrated.  I lay awake at night, thinking, brooding, mulling over it. It felt like my head was in a mist. I just couldn’t see it. I had nightmares. Even nightmares from my youth came back. So even if I wasn’t getting ‘it’, it was definitely getting me.
After a week of this, I got a clear picture of what would not work and why. And I could see that the only way to win this, would be if I would ask the client to support me. Because the problem is, that I worked exactly the way I worked (which was VERY different for every client) based on what they asked of me. It was individually tailored care. On the millimetre precise. The problem with working this way, is that ONLY the client can say whether this was the case. Nobody else.
The night I figured this out, it was a relief. But it also felt like a balloon deflating. I suddenly did not see the use of going into appeal anymore?!  Now that I knew how to go about it ( I could also see a way to incorporate the way ‘the field’ was not capable of handling autonomy, which made it impossible to work ‘in’ the field with autonomous women), it was somehow ‘done’?

The next morning I felt the same way. When I meditated, it was reflected in meditation. I had gone the circle inside of me without ‘doing’ seemingly anything outwardly. It was done.
So no appeal.


Weeks ago Nikki and JF had left Ecuador. They had not found a place they wanted to stay. They went to Chili to continue their search of a place (at least in Chili JF could grow wine for instance). After Chili they tried Argentina. Nothing resonated. They still had to fill a time-gap before going back to France for a wedding (next week).

Nikki sat and looked at Google Earth and concluded, like me, that the Earth seemed to have shrunk. As if it had gotten to the size of your back pocket and there was no ‘unknown, exiting ’ territory to explore anymore.
But at some point she felt a ‘pull’ again. And her pull was to Spain. Malaga to be precise. They invited us to come there as well.

I got other invitations after the last blog. People reading the blog could already sense our ‘unsettledness’ and ‘not knowing’ and invited us to country’s or area’s where they were thriving and maybe so would we? Thank you, thank you! To those people, you know who you are. J

First we had thought we would go back to the Netherlands for the appeal (But we will still visit the Netherlands somewhere in this process to kiss and hug some family and friends!), then we looked the flight prices up and it was MUCH cheaper to fly over Spain (half the price!!) and then Nikki and JF invited us to come to Spain. They would pick us up at the airport with a car which still has to be bought, to take us to either a rental they had found, or a piece of land they would have their eye on.

Since we have met, our processes have seemed so similar. We run into the same smelly mess, even over distance. And in the process of Eric wanting to live out his creativity, he found JF on that same note. So JF had it already figured out; buy land in Spain and build a house. Yes!
We also found, the four of us, that making plans seemed a thing of the past. Living in the now and not knowing shit was the new way to go. Apparently.
Nice to have plans, but most likely things would take a totally different turn.

And these meditation outcomes! Years ago they would count for years. Now they can count for 10 minutes or maybe a day or a week, but everything after is blurred. Eric felt almost like we were betrayed by our own meditation outcomes. He would like A LOT more steadiness then what we were getting now.
And I can’t agree more…

On the other hand; we couldn’t ‘think it up’ either. No idea what we wanted or what was the best plan.



In our practical life we still enjoy the home-schooling process. Especially since I deviated from biology to chemistry to start on the basis structures of matter (otherwise the workings of the human body seemed too empty for me) and maybe I will deviate further into quantum physics if it goes that way (simply because I like it!).
Eric has been giving the basics of the workings of electricity and has put some practise lessons in there, on how to use a voltage device, etc. The kids were very interested.
And between all that; Spanish and Maths and cooking classes of course. And Mar has picked up her lonely and dusty guitar again.

Our car has been thoroughly cleaned and stands for sale now. Yesterday some people came to look at it and at other things we are selling.

We met some of the neighbours and went on a walk with them and were invited for a beer (they talk English quite well). The other neighbour is constantly trying to get us to walk up the mountain behind our house. We’ve started this walk 3 times, but we had to give up half way. The altitude and steepness is too much. So we walk the other way, which is more ‘level’.
It is very clear in her demeanour that she thinks we are pussy’s, but is too friendly to express this openly in her rapid Spanish.
But other than that, our social life is very quiet.

When the car is sold we will take the next step, which is; book a ticket.

Write a comment

Comments: 7
  • #1

    Nikki (Monday, 06 August 2018 04:30)

    Hey there, I've been mulling over my indecisiveness, my incapacity to know where and what I want to do, and what this call to Andalucia means!
    So I was just watching a Bashar channeling about self worth and he said that you have to be clear about what you want so that the universe mirror it back to you. Being specific about the energy that you want to be in so that the universe can manifest that on the outside. I have been very vague about the energy in which I want to live. I do know that I do not want to be in the energy of creating from scratch. What I do feel excited about is the energy of finishing off, rounding off the edges, development, deployment, finishing touches, etc. Does this make sense? I don’t want to start playing a new instrument I want to play the symphony now. And a symphony needs an orchestra!
    So my proposal to you and Eric is that we all start being clear about the energy of what we want our lives to be about and trust that the universe will show us where to go.

  • #2

    Tanja (Tuesday, 07 August 2018 02:06)

    First time I read your comment I felt annoyed; 'I know this already (that the universe works this way) and 'do we now 'have to' do this (feeling pushed)??'
    Then I was meditating about something else entirely and I want to share that, because I look at what you wrote very differently now.
    I sometimes still get sucked back into 'should I appeal'? I start doubting. And then, when I meditate, I sometimes get a 'yes' again. So this time (about an hour ago) I started looking at what/where the 'yes' came from. I saw a sort of 'layers' of energy around me. And in one of the layer's, still very close to the daily 'me', I saw the pull to appeal. When I went 'into' this layer, it felt like this; a lot of talking, mental energy. I could see myself perfecting a bridge function. Where I would get the most out of my self in respect to being a bridge between 2 worlds. Also, I could see that I have been living towards this my whole life. Always working towards 'better' bringing across what I meant. I know this layer quite well. I would say I have seen it inside out.
    But something 'in' me keeps pulling me there. And when I looked at 'what' keeps pulling, it is multiple things.
    For instance; I made a deal about this (outside of this life). It was always my life purpose. I also made a deal with others to bring me back on this path, if I would get off. I have the conviction that I can't connect to people if I am not living this layer. I have the conviction that my whole life was for nothing if I am not living this layer.
    Then I looked at all the layers again and wondered which layer was the one where I would leave all this 'really' behind me and 'not appeal'. That layer was a bit 'further away' from me still. When I went 'in' it, it was free. It was 'yet to be filled in', it was an unknown, but very 'light' territory. Lighthearted almost. And things went very 'easily'.
    For me it became clear in that moment how I could have a 'yes' one week and a 'no' the next. It came from different layers. It would just depend which layer I would be closest to in the moment of meditating.
    Whereas, in the 'old days' these laws worked differently.
    In those days, if I would ask for 'what is the best', it was 1 direction. If I ask now, it is more then one direction. In other words; I am really free to choose and more choices then one IS actually the best choice.
    So I choose the layer which is unknown (obviously!).
    When I was in this 'unknown but light' layer I understood what energy I would like to attract and from that moment on your proposal made sense. Before that it did not make sense, because I didn't know what I wanted and to just make something up (to want or work toward) is ridiculous.
    Now I can also recognise the pullings of the other layer and decline these or at least make a concious choice about them. I realise the universe has been trying to already make me aware that this older layer was becoming outdated for a long time. In lots of ways.
    I realise that living in an outdated, too well known layer (and not evolving) takes energy (instead of giving energy) and I wonder if it then also 'sucks money' (because money is energy).
    Anyway, when I talked with Eric about my internal discoveries, we ended up talking about what energy we would like to 'live in'. Because you can build a house being frustrated and angry a lot, or you can build it feeling relaxed.
    So it is not so much the building of a house that is attractive, it is more the energy of creativity you want to be 'in' that is attractive.
    But you know all this already of course.
    Anyway, we accept your proposal. ;-)
    Eric agrees he doesn't want to start from scratch on something either. And I am fine with that as well.
    What kind of energy would you like to live in, there?

  • #3

    Nikki (Tuesday, 07 August 2018 19:21)

    Gosh, wow!! Cool. I still can't feel the energy that I want to live in yet, its all still very mental. But I do remember when we were in Yangana and the land used to tell me what it wanted me to do, when and where, and I basically didn't have to think, I just went out with my tools and did what I thought the land wanted me to do. This is the space that I like to be in where I can put my mind to rest and what I am to do is so obvious that I cannot ignore it. No more fighting, pushing, stressing to manifest my desires. Even though I desire a nice piece of land, some animals, a place I can call home, I am open to how this can come about. So I am still not sure of the energy I want to live in, work in progress. You know my problem of comparing myself with everyone and everything , I'm still stuck in that, its like moving through treacle, and I think that my next step is dependent on how I transform this program. Even today I received some new info on it, and I also received a message from my sister, which for me is a sign that this comparison energy is moving, slowly, but moving.
    I love this work I am doing with you, I call it work but its not work, its great how you push me to go where I wouldn't naturally go for fear of really seeing me!!!
    You are the best...

  • #4

    Tanja (Tuesday, 07 August 2018 22:34)

    I never have that, that the land tells me what to do. Or maybe it is screeming at me and just don't hear. Hearing the land is your forte! I think that is a good energy to manisfest.
    Love from another country close by!

  • #5

    Jesse (Thursday, 09 August 2018 00:54)

    Hallo Tanja,
    Mocht je ooit mijn hulp nodig hebben dan heb je mijn emailadres. Waarschijnlijk heb je mijn hulp niet nodig aangezien je niet in hogerberoep gaat maar wilde het toch even zeggen. Liefs Jesse

  • #6

    Tanja (Thursday, 09 August 2018 18:07)

    Jesse, ik wist niet dat je met een hoger beroep kon helpen?! In elk geval dank voor je aanbod! Liefs

  • #7

    Jesse (Wednesday, 15 August 2018 13:28)

    Hallo Tanja, Ik weet ook niet of ik kan helpen maar mocht je iemand nodig hebben die wil getuige over haar bevalling dan stel ik me daarvoor beschikbaar. Heel veel succes met alle uitdagingen in dit leven :) en veel liefs aan alle mooie mensen om je heen.