Insights and paradoxes

Insights and paradoxes

Ok, this is going to be a more spiritual tinted blog about a major breakthrough, so there is still time to quickly close this email.

After having discovered meditation in 2009 -with eternal gratefulness to the existence of Vipassana- one day -in 2012- I was reading this book; ‘conversations with God’. And the guy in this book –not an extraordinary guy at all- was simply talking to God AND RECEIVING ANSWERS. As if he was having some ordinary conversation with the neighbour. No effort or higher consciousness required.
I put the book down and decided that if he could do it, I could do it.
And yes, I could.

I know now that it is all ‘me’. No external force that tells me things. Just a part of me I don’t use in everyday life. A part that has more overview of what I am up to, then my conscious self does.
I found out I have many parts. And they all have their own ‘tone’, ‘flavour’, ‘way of bringing something across’. Some sound female, some sound male.
This God-part sounded completely neutral in my mind. I heard it as a voice in my head, not male or female. Very clear. Beautiful sentences, not in any way how my normal mind-blabber goes. Very detailed and precise in its answers. As if every single piece and syllable in a sentence matters equally.
I would ask this part endless questions for days and days. About ‘why this’, ‘why that’, just like a kid would her parents. I would also ‘use’ it to make choices and solve problems.

One day our car wasn’t functioning well in Australia. Eric was going to work on it. He had no idea what it could be and where he should start. Sorry; I can’t remember what the actual problem was. But I meditated on it (that’s what I called it when I started talking to this part of me) to help him.
I needed to get into a state of being –which did require meditation- where I was equally fine with ANY answer.
This God-part shoved an image into my mind, which showed exactly where the issue was. I had no idea what it was called, so I drew the image for Eric. He knew instantly what it was (having studied to be an automotive teacher). And when he started working on it, it –of course- was exactly as I saw it.
The only explanation I find acceptable for this is, that we ARE everything and we KNOW everything. Because I am not in some way ‘special’ in this and it was no coincidence. I had these revelations day by day. So much so, that even my beautiful –but distrustful of these things and extremely grounded- Eric started relying on it.
I am very grateful for what it brought me and us.
Later I talked to other parts of me, presenting themselves as angels or other forms or archetypes (like some dude who used to be a Greek philosopher, Hieronymus he said his name was).
They all felt completely different.

As you all know, I lost connection with all this after arriving in the Netherlands. In the first years in the Netherlands, it was still there vaguely, but it got less and less. With births I probably felt most connected to these parts of me, I would still receive answers or images.
Since the last thing I clearly heard from this God-part was to go to Ecuador somewhere in 2017/2018, I hung onto that. Even though I did not know why.

Having done the year in Ecuador and still having no clue why that was and having arrived in Spain because we haven’t got a clue to what we would like to do next, it all remains to be one big mystery. What were the voices and why did they disappear? What is my goal from now on? On what shall I base my/our choices now?
This is how I (and we) have been plodding along, in the dark. No idea what was front, back, below or above. How to navigate in deep space.
And then the unthinkable happened.
After suffering through our ‘not-knowingness’ for some weeks and wondering why all the bad luck, finally I got some understanding of it all.

It started with Eric last week Saturday.
He said that he did not have much faith in our whole endeavour of finding land and starting there. And this was partly due to me.
In the idea I had in our last weeks in Ecuador, I wanted to start with counselling on the land we would eventually have, giving retreats there, etc. This could also provide some income.
After arriving in Spain I abandoned that idea and especially the part where it would provide an income. Since then, he couldn’t’ see our plan working anymore. He thought he was going to build the space where I could do this. He saw the whole construction of him doing that and me doing the other thing and believed it could work.
And now he felt like we were moving to certain destruction.
He did feel that within the community itself, no money should be involved in the exchange between people. But toward people from outside he felt it should be fine to ask money for the work.
It left me with the question; should I go back to the plan? I realized that if it would give Eric faith in what we were doing here, that should be reason enough, maybe?

Next was Beer. Also this last Saturday he told me that he had an issue with how I ‘am’ recently. He felt that I was behaving much older then I actually am and that I came across much more uncertain then he knew me to be. He sometimes felt angry with me about it and felt he wanted to ‘push’ me to stand up more.
When I asked for examples, he told me that since a few years, when we go for a walk, I seem much more unstable on my feet and scared to fall. He feels I am afraid to really ‘go for it’. As if I am made of glass. But he sees that in more areas, which he did not have good examples for.
I understood what he meant, but didn’t have a clue how to change that.

Saturday Nikki sent me some stuff about inner children, etc. Because I felt quite stuck I decided to start reading it and do the ‘exercise’. It was something from Pamela Kribbe, a channelling about  3 inner children;
My inner angry and joy child wanted me to ‘stand up’. That was the only message I got out of them. I looked at it for a while, meditated on it. I understand I should stand up more, after looking at it for a while. Since people can still walk over me and cross my boundaries sometimes (in line of what Beer told me), for instance.
Like the woman from the weird workshop (blog before last). Which was the reason I didn’t want to go back there. She triggered in me some sort of anger and some sort of animal-feeling. As if –if I would continue the workshop- I would physically attack her. And I know this part of me; I have seen it in action. I don’t particularly like it.

On Sunday Nikki confronted me about my choice not to go back to this workshop for that reason. She said (among other things) ‘if you know that part of you and don’t want it to come out, why do you keep it inside of you still?’ And I said that I find it convenient at times; to protect me in cases of people crossing my boundaries extremely. She felt it was a huge power and maybe I should get to know it better and not keep it locked in like an animal in a cage, in case I needed it. Maybe I should learn to work with it.
I started wondering, after this conversation, through something she said, if this power was locked in my throat. The place where I have felt a blockage for as long as I can remember.
However; I decided to go to the crazy lady’s workshop again on Wednesday. I would confront my fear of my own anger/power.

Monday was another one of the ‘everything goes wrong’ days. I knew that we were somehow creating these days, but had no idea how. And especially how to stop creating it.
In the evening, lying in bed, I was mulling over what poem I should make for the 'assignment' for the workshop on Wednesday, if we were in the right place, if the whole idea of starting to do counselling was a good one, etc.
At some point I tried to meditate to get some calm going in my head.
And then there was suddenly this 'presence' who started talking to me. So I was very excited!
Finally I might get some answers after all these years!
Her voice started off with repeating, excitedly, ‘ Pim is coming to Spain!’.
I asked her name.
She said she was a combination of female archetypes. The first name she mentioned was Lilith, but there was also Eve, Isis and some other ones in there. She felt so happy, so I asked why she was so cheerful. She said she loved the big change that was happening in me and in others and that she could 'help'' a bit with that.
I asked; so can I ask questions? And get answers?
Obviously I could.

So I started with the first one that came to mind; were we in the right place? She said -what we already know- there is no right place. Going back to the Netherlands was not necessary, but an option, France was an option, other areas in Spain were an option, but it didn't really matter. Moving house brings me so off balance that she did not recommend moving to another area again. And this area was as good as any.
I asked if we were going to find land soon. She said yes. Very soon. So soon, that Eric would not have time to start looking at another way of income.
I asked her about the bad luck. She said it had to do with something else, within us. But before she explained what, she kept saying that we should keep moving ahead and ignoring it as much as possible. 'Keep moving on'. She repeated that many times:
If you want to start home-schooling; do that. Don’t get thrown off by the bad luck. If you want to learn Spanish, do that. Make time for it in between all the bad luck. Push through. If you want to start doing counselling; do that. Etc.

Then she explained the bad luck (and this part was amazing for me):
She said that I was blocking myself. I was terrified to 'put myself down on this earth'. She said that I had staged the whole court case and everything, that I had made sure that I would be stopped. I considered myself to be very dangerous.
I considered my power to be very destructive.
She said that I was meant to make a huge imprint on this earth with its inhabitants in this lifetime, but that I did everything I could, not to. She said these 2 opposite forces inside of me were destroying me. She explained the bad luck came from choosing the comfort zone. From not living greatly.
This resonated, so I asked her why I did this.
She said there were many reasons and that I would figure them out in the coming 2 years. She showed me one. I saw a mass grave. It brought tears to my eyes, even though I have no idea where or when this was. She said I considered myself to be guilty of this. She said I had absolutely no faith that I could do good on a big scale, because of this.
And that -for this life- my soul had tasked itself to break this cycle in myself, this fear of making an imprint. My soul provided me with the enormous drive to make an imprint. Because I had kept myself small long enough and in many lives. She said that this was also why I had trouble walking in nature and finding sure footing. I literally had trouble putting my feet down. I didn't trust myself to stand on this earth.
She said this was becoming much worse in this time, because this was the time I had to change it. And it would happen. In every decision I would make about things in the coming time the change would become evident.
She showed me how much help I had now (and always had before), in the physical and in the nonphysical world, to help me with this. 
She said Eric had the same issue on another plane. So we triggered each other in our fears. She said he had trouble with his knee because of this. And how we would change this; she said it would happen 'by itself' if we were conscious of it.
We had to start making choices from a different base. It is very subtle, but she showed me how it would feel. How I would feel if I made a choice in which I empowered myself. That felt great; I felt energy coming up through my spine, warming my body from the inside out.

Of course this energy is also me. It is a part of me that feels mischievous in a way and cheerful and an extreme intolerance of bullshit.

I asked about Lem. ‘Ah Lem, the wonderboy’, she said. She reassured me he would be fine, there was nothing I could do to help him. Nothing I could change for him. She explained how all the children, Pim included, were keeping their breath almost, like in anticipation. Waiting for us to start ‘standing’ for ourselves. She said they kept mirroring what we had showed them, until we were past it.
Except for Lem. Lem did not want to be stuck between our stuck-ness anymore. He wanted to go his own path, no longer following ours. That was why he wanted to leave. He was here on a different ‘subject’ . Not like us; me, Eric, Beer, Mar, Pim. We were all here to really stand for ourselves and find out the things that were blocking us from doing this. Lem had another goal. He was already standing for himself.

Mar; ah she loved Mar. Mar would be fine. Give her a few years and she would be flowing with her power.

With the subject of  Beer; she said -grinning- ‘men are boring. But I understand you want to know about the men in your life’. She said she didn’t’ understand why Beer kept on diving into history. ‘ He has lived all the things he is researching for real. Why does he keep diving into it. It is all a repeat. He is afraid to come out of his comfort zone.’

There was more. But these were the most important things.
And wow, have things changed since.
The blockage in my throat is gone since (?!!!????!! I could continue with the exclamation marks; I am so surprised about this).
I have become ‘ sharper’ in my responses then I used to be. More forceful. Also; I feel so much more alive. More happy. It is such an important piece of the puzzle of ‘what the fuck happened to me in the last 2 years’:
I did it all myself. And even though I knew this theoretically, I didn’t ‘get it’
It had an instant effect on Eric and the kids as well. And on the way everything goes since then.
It feels like life has returned to what I knew it to be, before. Understandable, but also magical. Vibrant. Real. Paradoxal. Unexpected. Logical.
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