Processes, processes, processes.
To be able to buy land together as a couple or a single family is already quite a process. What does one like that the other doesn’t like? What is a ‘must’ to have on this land (water? Views?)  for one and not for the other?
Then try and do this with another family. Two families trying to be on 1 line with this.
We have plunged head first into this process now. No escaping the process.
Last week it became clear that JF had doubts about the land we love. He felt the price was far too high and wondered how he would feel, over time, about buying something he felt cheated out of money by.
And even though the people who sell the land are ok with playing bank for us, so we can spread out the payment, it still feels to him like being far too expensive. And he is right; when they (the owners) bought the land in 2004 they paid roughly the same as what they are asking now. But that was at the high peak in property prices in Spain. After this, in 2007, the economy collapsed and land became less valuable. The prices have never been as high as they were then, since.  Even today the prices for land in Spain are 40% less than before that collapse.
So them wanting this set amount, is not realistic. But they are not in a hurry to sell. So they can wait until prices- maybe -rise again.
In the meantime, JF found another piece of land he liked. And Nikki liked that one as well. It is 2 ha, not steep, has its own river, very fertile ground. But the feeling of the land misses for us. Even when we let the other land go. When I walked on this 2 ha land, I couldn’t feel myself ‘there’. No place I would wish to build my house. I can put all kinds of reasons for this ‘on’ this feeling, but that would be my mind trying to explain something my feeling says.
With the other land I had a good feeling. It felt right. And my mind could find reasons for that, but the reasons are not originally what it ‘is’. It is something that comes up, like a flow of energy, that feels right. Like a truth of some sort.
There is –of course- a reason why we can’t find land all 5 (Beer is part of the group now as well) of us want to go for. And that reason has to do with fears that are coming up. The fear of surrendering to the process of the group, for instance.
My comfort zone would be to find a way to buy the piece with our own family. To keep everything in our own hands. For Eric going back to the Netherlands came up. For Beer the Netherlands was not a solution. He felt we should all follow our feeling and he felt Nikki and JF were not doing that.
For Nikki and JF leaving, or buying land by themselves was not in their minds. They were committed to the group and to continuing as a group. And I realized-very strongly- that that was what I actually want as well. But it is scary!
In my universe there is a reason that the group (which I see as mirrors of me) is not on one line. This process, of owning whatever happens, is very interesting. It makes me sad (of how ‘broken’ and fearful I am in a way), angry (why? why?) and also very happy and loving (they are really committed! That feels so safe…).  And I ‘want’ to live this. It is scary, it is uncertain, but it has potential. The potential for me to see new parts of me, to grow.
We are currently in the middle of this process.
The only thing I can feel, is that it is important to keep following myself. I don’t belief in adjusting to others. I belief that we can find land we all like and that there is no reason to abandon yourself to adjust to ‘the group’. Because the group ‘is’ each individual. And as individuals we need to stay in ourselves, so that the group has a joined base.
It would be actually easier to say ‘ok, I can probably sort of live on the land JF found’, then to say what I feel: ‘no, this land isn’t it.’ Because with saying ‘This land isn’t it’ you plunge into uncertainty again; ‘when will a land ever show up? Can we actually work together?’
And still I feel it is important to keep following my feeling. Especially in a group. I think groups can’t work when people start adjusting to less than they actually feel is good for them. Nothing good can come out of that, in my opinion.
People should not adjust; they should strive to be the best they can be. Which means; following their feelings, taking themselves seriously and do or say things because they feel it is right. And not: not saying things, keeping a mask on, not saying (or only half saying) what you feel (which is what I see in most groups).
And this process of being myself in a group; I want to walk.
It is interesting, scary and fun if everyone always has all their cards open on the table. My mouth actually starts watering when I think about a situation like that. All the cards open, no hidden agendas, no following fears…That is awesome, inspiring, beauty.
With Nikki and JF we walk this process. So in a way it is fun…and scary. It challenges me to really ‘be’. The power I felt during the spontaneous channelling some weeks ago, I feel with this. I sometimes also feel very weak and powerless in this. It is all there. All the sides I like from myself and the sides I don’t. All mixed through the days, hours, minutes of living this.
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